Bartender Vision pt 1

As a bartender, I get to witness a lot of tomfoolery and other social interactions among people who frequent my establishment. You may even find descriptions of and anecdotes about some of my more colorful regulars.

On a slightly unrelated note,
****public service announcement from bartenders across America****
For the best customer service experience on a busy night, please know what you want to order before you flag me down.....

Basic profile of some of the regulars:

"The sleuth"- Aptly named because he slinks from woman to woman insisting on buying them drinks, tho he usually only orders pineapple juice for himself (when he senses I'm getting annoyed by his attempt to monopolize my time)
"The Nekked Contortionist"-To be explained later
"To Infinity and Beyond"- Regular who owns an Infinity and forcefully insists on giving me a ride home after work...which I ALWAYS refuse, UGH!

**mind drifts back to inauguration weekend**

It was actually my first weekend working at the new spot and I gotta admit I was kinda excited. Being the type who would rater make money than spend it, I knew I was gon make a killing (which I did). The bars were gonna be open extra late and there would be throngs of people in town to witness history unfold, and tons of people looking to "toast" the nights away.

As a general rule, I try to always spend time conversing with customers, new or old, when it's slow. Providing a nice environment, can sometimes make the difference between someone becoming "your regular" or not, or if people actually return to the establishment or not. I also have begun the practice of giving out complimentary shots of drink combos for people to try...when its slow. But when it gets busy you cant expect the same treatment simply because the demand for my attention is much higher.

in the slow part of the evening, entering stage left: The Sleuth
he sits down, smiles to indicate that he is friendly and approachable
I smile back, indicating that I see him and I am ready to make some money (lol)

Earnestly Soul Searching: How are you doing today?
the Sleuth: I'm doing great actually
ESS: good to hear! Can I get you something to drink?
S: no. I'm good right now.
ESS: oh okay. well give me a second to check on the other customers and I'll be back.
walks aways to tend to other customers and converse

S: Madame Bartender!
ESS goes to see what the sleuth needs...after much conversation and no drink ordering
S: You should give me your number and we should go out sometime
ESS: No thank you
S: Why not?
ESS: Because I try not to mix work with pleasure
walks away to take drink orders as it is starting to get busy, and the Sleuth doesn't seem to want to order anything, not even water.

The Sleuth flags me down once more. I know he's not going to order anything. I bristle, but pull out my patience reserves.

ESS: Yes?
S: The way I see it, I'm probably the most famous guy you'll meet in here, I'm a nice guy, you seem like a nice lady, we should go out, at least let me give you my number.
ESS:wtf? The sleuth, seeing the confused annoyed look flash across my face says
S: Am I starting to annoy you?
ESS: lying No But I can't sit here and talk to you when it's busy like this especially if you're not ordering anything.
S: I don't drink
ESS: That's fine, we also sell juice, soda, red bull and water.
The Sleuth orders a pineapple juice to placate the increasingly annoyed bartender.
S: Do you have a pen? ESS hands him pineapple juice and a pen. He write his number down on a napkin. Are you going to call me?
ESS: I doubt it
S: No! Are you gon call me?
ESS: (ending this stupid cat n mouse game) Sure!
walks off to take other orders.

So after all of that, The sleuth managed to latch on to a group of unsuspecting women and began to pay for their apple martinis, maybe he thought he would make me jealous...I was just glad it wasn't me. But what he didn't know, was that I've got bartender vision*. Our perspective of what goes on in the club from behind the bar is markedly different from those on the other side. Maybe he didn't know I saw or thought I was too busy to notice that the girls he started off with had gotten annoyed by his leech like behavior. Gawd help em if he gave them the same stupid line he gave me, but slowly but surely he made his rounds around the club, slowly getting rejected by each group of girls he would descend upon like a plague...and it happens every time he comes. Maybe he's just clueless, or insane because he tries roughly the same strategy, and I've never seen him leave with neither a number NOR a lady.

The moral of this story? Well there are several. Probably too many to be mentioned in this small space, but for starters we'll point out the obvious ones:

1) Attempts to ingratiate yourself with the women in the club by buying them drinks is an art. Any old fool shouldn't do it and expect great results (unless you try to get them so drunk they don't know right from left, but then again, I don't think you can call that great results). It CAN however, open the door to a conversation, after that, it's all on you. If they didn't like your personality before, they won't like it any more after you've bought a drink for them.

2) A phone number for a drink is NOT an even exchange!!!

3) No usually means no

4) Insinuating that a woman can do no better than you is not a convincing argument, it's an insult! I don't care how much "swagger**" you have.

* No, It's not a creepy 6th sense, nor am I spying on people for blog material, even though people don't realize they provide lots of useful material, but my job consists of more than just making drinks; I'm also sort of a stool pigeon for the bouncers. I have to pay attention to what's going on even beyond the bar to situations that may arise to alert them before they get out of hand. In such a crowded space, bouncers may only notice when the pushing starts or when fists fly. But I also watch body language, and can hear the words that maybe were exchanged at the bar before the fight actually broke out. It's a lot, but I'm good at it.
** Can we please boycott the use of this word? It's been commandeered and loosely redefined by "mainstream" media, and while it is descriptive, it has lost much of it's usefulness since everything can now be described as "swagger".