Monday, July 27, 2009

Back to the drawing board

I've been feeling very heavy lately, like I'm carrying a lot of dead weight that is preventing me from focusing on what getting to the next stage of my life will take and from enjoying where I am now ( mainly because of my frustration that I am not being productive). Vicious cycle see? So I've decided to fast from many things to identify leaks (in energy, time and money) that need to be filled.

After much thought about my biggest gripes about where I find myself, I decided to fast from all sexy time activities (no Slayer ::sigh::, toys, manual or peenus), no fast food, limited my TV watching to one hour a day, no going to my fave DC restaurant, and fasting from food one day a week...til November. Part of this journey is spiritual, of course; I'm feeling very disconnected from my maker and wish to remove those obstacles, but also very practical--I have some specific practical goals I seek to reach also. For one, I'm applying to grad school this fall and with working two jobs, it's hard to find time to study for the GRE. I also have some financial goals I'm trying to meet, so while I can afford it, I'm trying to tame my spending and exercise some extra discipline so I can achieve my long term goals. Overall though, I know I'm not taking the best care of myself, as much as I work or busy myself doing "things" important though they may be, I haven't spent enough time making sure I'm getting enough rest or being centered and I found myself being very worn, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

It's been about week and I'm seeing improvements already. I feel lighter and with a clearer head, it's sort of giving me a new perspective on where I am and the last few months.

  • For example, I cooked for the first time since Easter. For the three months I've spent in my new apartment I just haven't felt like it was home, and I've been so worn I just didn't seem to have the energy and gumption to do so ( you can only imagine how much I spent eating out). Food is REALLY important to me, its one of the many ways in which I express myself, and it was a little shocking how exhilarated I felt to be back in the kitchen.
  • The time I would spend eating, chillin at my fave restaurant before going to my night job, I now spend that time studying, or getting in a quick nap before work, the lack of rest was contributing to several short illnesses I had this year, several more than usual.
  • Looking back at some journal entries I made last year, I hadn't experienced much personal growth; though some change takes time, I found that I'm still dealing with some of the things with no tangible progress made.
  • I've been operating on autopilot, without taking into account what it is that EYE really wanted or needed, either for myself or from people around me. I am a perseverer, I have always been, it's how I've managed to make it as far as I have (aside from all the people who have helped me along the way). But I should be doing more than just persevering, at this point I should be thriving, so the next few months present a unique opportunity for me to figure out what mid course corrections I need to make in order to get there.

Things are going well today, but I know I will have challenges in the near future..I just pray I have the strength and self control to meet them.