I am a woman, quintessentially

Today I realized that I've never wanted a relationship before and that sad realization struck me when Ole Faithful asked me if that's what I wanted. I've had relationships before, but I was with them because they wanted to be with me. They were wonderful gentlemen, of course, I wouldn't have dated them if they weren't, but there wasn't that feeling that it was just something I HAD to have. Maybe that's a good thing.

What do I want? I wasn't entirely sure...outside of academic interests, and maybe what I was planning to eat, I can't really say that decisions I've made were in my own self interest. But after thinking about it some I realized that while my heart may be finally ready to try the whole relationship thing again, my current circumstances do not necessarily foster an ideal relationship starting environment.

I'd like to be able to enter into a relationship from a place of balance, stability, wholeness, and peace. I've witnessed too many people be in relationships looking for others to fill a void of some sort, and from the outside looking in, it doesn't look so appealing. Given that I'm trying to build my own personal stability so that I'd feel safer being more emotionally vulnerable with others, there are too many uncertainties to seriously consider adding the needs of another person into the mix. While I'm not opposed to long distance relationships, I don't even know where I'll be next year. Not like there's anyone to consider anyway, but making a choice for where to go for Grad school would be further compounded by trying to stay fairly close to a "boo".

I always go for what I want though..so if I won't let it go, that must mean I want something right? Maybe just a steady helping of pigs in a blanket, maybe something more, either way...I've been going without for quite some time. On some level I know I just want to be better, and I'm always looking for opportunities to improve and to practice not following my old, comfortable bad habits to demonstrate my growth as a woman, and since much of where I perceive I am lacking is in the relationship area, it could be beneficial to put some of those lessons in action.

I'm just feeling like now is not the right time. I believe that there is a time to be single and a time to be in a relationship, that if done right, there are valuable lessons to be learned, and that neither process should be rushed, no matter how cold it gets outside, or how annoying is the way he chews his food.

I'm still however, learning how to reconcile the realities of my upbringing with my present personal growth aspirations. I am after all, still a woman. I have difficulty expressing my feelings, or even acknowledging that they exist, but part of this journey is finding new ways to present the inner me to the world. I think people look at me, if they know my story, and even if they don't, and they see the quintessential "strong black young woman". Always hard-working, never accepting setbacks, unemotional and level-headed (unless you threatening the fam, lol), staring down adversity, overcoming obstacles yada yada yada. It's not that those assessments are untrue, its just that they are incomplete. I'm learning to acknowledge publicly and privately that sometimes my feelings get hurt, there are PLENTY things that I fear, that staring down adversity thing that I do is more like looking like a dear caught in headlights, and yes, as strong and self sufficient as I may be, I still need a little tenderness and more than AA batteries in my life.

Bartender Vision pt 10 "Into the woods"

This weekend was off the chain. For some reason, it appears that everyone who likes to give my twin a hard time was in the house this Friday. The sleuth came in..and he wasn't going to order alcohol; THAT we already knew....He only has eyes for my twin. And he stood there and waited...for 10 minutes easy while she "hid" on my side of the bar to avoid him. Once he wised up and realized she was purposely not using the register nearest him, he came to my side, but then she moved again. Finally, he left.

Later a gentleman sitting on my side was asking for long islands.. It's my first time seeing him so he doesn't get a name, but he requested that the next long island be "stronger". I agree, but look at him like he's crazy, because I tend to make long islands pretty strong, to my dismay because, well, they're nasty! But I digress...as usual. But I make the second with all liquor, and barely a splash of coke for color...apparently that is not "strong" enough for him either. I tell the twin he will come to get drinks from her next..I am right. I roll my eyes but that one less no tipping asshole I gotta deal with. Who knows, maybe he will tip her? Either way its good for me because we split tips.

To round out the top three, The Little Mermaid comes in and is in rare form. Apparently she is already drunk. As usual she has on a short number and heels, complete with a long hair appendage in the form of a ponytail tonight with her bendi and matching contacts. Tonight she is drinking Remy, She has decided that I will not be her bartender tonight, and goes to my twin for all her drinking needs even though I am closer...oh well, one less personality to deal with. Well she had on these black, slightly over the knee-high boots, where she has stored her money. To pay for her Remy, she lifts one foot to the bar, unzips the middle of the boot where she has several $20 bills stored away. It's already pretty unsanitary to put her feet on places where people's drinks are served, especially after they have traipsed over fecal matter and gawd knows what else, but I'm digressing, as usual, again. the main problem is that the Little Mermaid is not wearing any underwear and has therefore effectively served up an exposed bat cave to a captive audience...me. FML Well after my twin refused to give her a free shot of Remy to "replace" the one that had been "stolen", she came to me asking for two shot, one for her and a random woman she had rubbed her bare bottom on and then insisted on buying her a shot of Remy...the woman was drinking goose. Well after I gave her the two shot plus some water to chase it, she asked me how much she owed. I told her $24 she somehow expected for me to give her a shot of Remy for free, not happening. Then she tried to argue me down about it...since she is a regular I was trying to tell her to let Mr. Boss Man "the Waffle" know who was essentially standing right behind her, so that he could approve her getting a free shot. But she didn't wanna hear that and kept trying to argue me down, even tried to insist that she had given me a $50 bill to pay for her drinks, which she had not. She crossed the line when she gave me the drunk neck hug, on which I used my superior strength to promptly remove her arm from my neck. She paid, gave up, and of course didn't tip, and went back to dancing around, exposing 3/4 of her arse as she went....

Man what a night!

Bartender Vision pt 9 "Who let the dogs out?! on Wild Wednesdays no less!"

Since we stopped charging a cover on Wednesdays, its been significantly slower. That's good because I don't drink as much, but also bad because I don't make as much. Oh well, can't win em all....

Because the night was so slow, I actually finished cleaning and closing my register in about half an hour; usually it takes about an hour. And of course, a spirited conversation was well underway. One of the regulars, who is practically family at this point and is a good friend of the owners, who I will call "Long and Strong" (L&S) because all she drinks are Long Islands, which she prefers to taste like gasoline. Usually she will put away anywhere from 4 to 7 long islands on a given night; tonight she ahs only had two--well, two and a half because I accidentally threw away a drink I thought she had finished. Much of our clientele consists of regulars: people who either have that one night a week where they come to party faithfully, and those who don't seem to party anywhere else because they are in the house, living it up seemingly every night we are open. L&S is somewhere inbetween. She is here pretty much every Wednesday, and maybe a weekend night or two if she's feeling really good. She is tall, and a proud member of team chunk (c) VSB..... who will wine you to death, and this is how the madness begins:

After hours at Reggae Club USA, ESS is wrapping up cleaning and accounting duties, Mr. Boss Man Kama Sutra, DJ and company are sitting around with last minute drinks (which by the way, kept getting more and more last minute as the night progressed.)

Perhaps I should explain a bit about boss man Kama Sutra; he is one half of the ownership team. He is attractive (I guess lol), slender, pretty laid back, and has a ponytail. I usually don't find men with ponytails attractive but it works for him, and the ladies seem to love it. And outside of not allowing women to touch his hair, he loves them back. Perhaps a little too much. He has a reputation for getting with a good number of bartenders who have worked here before me...so much so that, upon starting my tenure there, I was promptly warned about him. I think he knows better than to make serious passes at me, besides, his affections are directed primarily towards my Bartender twin, and the many women (including a supposed girlfriend) who regularly visit the club.

But I digress, as usual. Kama Sutra is a wild dude, and alot of fun to party with, and a fun person to have as a boss, for the most part.

Well the conversation begins rehashing last Wednesdays events: The little mermaid, named for her small stature and long, flowing weave, had nearly gotten into a fight. It is well known that the little mermaid is a street walker. She comes in a lot on Wednesdays, either by herself, or with a man in tow, and maybe one weekend night, if at all. Well last Wednesday was her pre-Birthday celebration. Either she drinks Remy (usually) or she drinks goose, no more, no less. To be honest, she doesn't tip that well, and is always looking for a free shot (it's one thing to want a shot of something cheap, like a kamikaze, but she only drinks the good stuff, which I cannot be giving away all willy nilly), which is rather annoying--apparently she annoys many, including the DJ and Kama Sutra (for grabbing his ponytail, lol) Well anyway, at the end of the night last Wednesday, she tried to take home the uncle of Kama Sutra's nephew, who comes every Wednesday. A childhood friend of the Uncle was there and intervened (or cockblocked, depending how you look at it), resulting at her being called out as a hooker, and The little mermaid insisting (profanely) that the Uncle was less than a man for refusing her advances, and her nearly getting mollywopped by the bigger, and more gully childhood friend.

Well, Long & Strong, was getting on the after hours guests for making fun of her (and her profession), claiming its not right that they give her all this attention, only to talk about her after hours, which of course they all deny. In part they are right: none of the people who know her really like her, especially the DJ, and L&S's finger pointing is slightly ineffective because she somehow, is drunk and so she just lumps them all in.

Another round of corona and an extra Sambuca for Kama Sutra goes around

Well from there, L&S goes in on how Kama Sutra only likes skinny gyals and can't handle a big woman. Then she starts goin on about how they (the men) are all liars talmbout sexual stuff they [supposedly] won't do, to which Kama Sutra retorts that he LOVES "snacking on puntang", and that since he can't Bull for an hour he has to eat for the first half so he can make it. *dead*

I actually died a few times last night

Well during her tirade about real women and her squirting habits, Long and Strong showed us her areolas, not twice, but thrice! the third of which was directly in the face of a member of the Dj's entourage. Apparently he was not ready because he promptly turned bright red (he is of the fairer persuasion) and did nothing but smile for about 5 minutes maybe.

And not to ruin Kama Sutras inventive idea, but he claims he will create a dildo with an attached, scrotum -like appendage to enhance, and perhaps revolutionize womens' self love lives.

And of course, since this is not the first time we've had such conversations at arsecrack in the morning, the old conversation of choking and arse banging is brought back on the table after the lecture on squirting vs. creaming. I try not to participate but I'm always singled out, always by Kama Sutra: "Have you ever let somebody choke you?" No. "Would you ever let somebody choke you?" One hand only. I have participated enough so he is satisfied.

Needless to say, I didn't get home til about 5am when we close at 2.

Bartender Vision pt 8 "The freaks come out at night" weekend review

It's been kinda slow at the bar....REAL slow. Slower than last year...Slower than winter. But I still make more bartending than I do at my day job.

Well this Friday and Saturday were especially slow. Around midnight me and the twin were looking at each other and the empty bar hoping they would just give up the ghost and close early so we could go party somewhere. You can blame it on the rain. People eventually stroll in and the party finally gets underway, but it still not super busy.

I don't know what it was about this particular Saturday, but there was a spike in the general freakiness of the patrons... I mean dag! I thought I was the only one not getting any?! Isn't that what people do during recessions and blackouts? LOL

But I digress. My twin was reporting that there were more McNasty comments and hand rubs that lingered far too long.

Touching patrons = bigger tips

Another patron crumples up dollar bills and throws them at me while I'm ringing up orders at the register. At first I though he was tryina get my attention, you know, for more drinks, but he just told me in the syruppy drunk voice how segzay I was. Geesh! I wasnt even dancing on the bar! I thanked him and moved on, winking at people all willy nilly as I went. Usually such comments don't bother me, and are kinda funny, but that day, I was grossed out. Maybe I wasn't drunk enough.

I also worked Sunday this weekend. Sunday was also a little slow, but Wednesdays and Sundays are like that...party doesn't get underway til about 12:30-1am.

I've probably already mentioned this before but

Few patrons = Free shots

The few people who were there early get to taste new recipes I come up with...in essence, they are my guinea pigs, but who doesn't want free liquor in this economy?

There's a group of three young guys who come in from time to time...I always take good care of them and they take good care of me...it works! They have a few shots (count: 4 rounds of 4) and a budweiser, then leave and return later...Later a gentleman comes in and orders a corona...this is not his first drink of the night and he hands me his card... he wants his card back but I explain to him we have a $15 dollar minimum...nothing he says makes sense but I take it he concedes because he stops trying to explain.

We've been getting cussed out lately about not being strict about the card minimum...I just roll my eyes and move on... the way I see it, I can sit there and argue, or get someone to charge money thay dont have, and risk ending up with a declined card, or just swipe the daggone thing. I mean I try but I think it's time not spent raking in more money to sit there are try to convince people to get more stuff if they didnt happen to carry cash. but I'm digressing again.

Ole boy has CLEARLY had too much to drink... and I know I should cut him off...but I'm not in the mood to get cussed out. But after the second corona I just give up and swipe. I decide that I would much rather him pay and leave than to have him collapse or barf at the bar...(both have happened by the way, perpetrated by members of both genders)...and believe me, THAT looks worse.

e tu Daddy?

I was talking to my father on the phone yesterday, and he was filling me in on some of the details of his business trip, he and my mom went on (moms is now a stay at home entrepreneur so she usually travels with my father). I'm a daddy's girl, and I've been away from home for 5 years no so my father has grown increasingly long-winded.

When it comes to me and relationships, my father has always been largely silent, but then again, I've never brought home knuckleheads so there hasn't been much that my father has needed to say. The only thing in fact, that he has ever said to me about my dating life (sparse and currently non-existent) is "you seem to have about one [boyfriend] a year".

That is until recently: During one of our check-ins, daddy was rehashing the wedding of my cousin (whom I've never met). I am my father's road dog, and my mother doesn't dance so it is usually he and I who hit the dance floor at wedding receptions together, it is he and I, not mom, who ride in his convertible with the top down (mom doesn't like the windblown look, I don't really care). Needless to say, he misses me, and that's all well and good, until he too dropped a bomb on me. He expressed to me that he hopes to live to see me get married.

DANG DADDY! that's kinda heavy.

My father isn't that old (62) and is in relatively good health. Granted, the good Lawd could take any of us at any time, so his concern is with merit, but I guess what surprised me most was that I had no clue my father took that much interest in my "love" life. Even though my father and I converse about many things, that has never been one of them...He's met all my boyfriends, of course, but never seemed to take a real interest in any of them, liked them but again, we just never really talked about it.

****Fast forward to last night****

He's telling me about his trip, where he ate (daddy KNOWS I like to eat), and then tells me he met a young lady on his return trip that reminded him alot of me. OK. But I was not prepared for what came next. By the end of the flight from Houston to California, he had the skinny on her also non-existent love life, and a little bit about her, (she's 27, an engineer of some sort, looks younger than she is, is returning from a friend's wedding, and is exasperated with her current inability to find a mate, and as a result is considering increasing the upper end of her dating range in hopes that she will find someone suitable for her). His summary: she like you is a young woman who has her stuff together, but is single because men her age don't seem to have it together.

Scooby?!

That one statement tells me that though he has never shared any of this with me before, clearly he has spent alot of time thinking about my prosepcts for a relationship, analyzed why I'm not in one and is obviously concerned, which is a little strange for me because I've never expressed any frustration to my mother or father about my dating life, or lack thereof, except maybe that one time my dad happened to call after I had just been stood up by some loser I met at a CBC event. But that wasn't about men in general but how this one individual could plan a whole entire date then fail to show without saying boo cat. I mean if you weren't interested don't ask me to go out with you.

But I digress. I don't complain because while I would like to be with someone, I understand that there is is a season to be single, and some lessons to learn during that time, and there is a time to be in a relationship. I may be single forever but while I certainly don't plan on it, I want to enjoy the season I'm in while I can. I'd like to be able to enter a union of some type from a place of peace and not dissatisfaction.

Daddy is usually so calm, cool and collected that it throws me off to see signs of him having anxiety about my prosepects for a relationship. Because He is nervous I'm starting to get nervous. I mean, I'm young and I got time right? LOL The other thing is that I completely expect these things from my mother, I mean, she is 60 with no grandbabies, but daddy?!?! I didn't expect him to heap on LE pressure also.

Taking one for the team, cuz wedding fabric sucks!

One of my good friends is getting married next month. This occasion is special for several reasons: for one, my friend is getting married and I'm excited to celebrate the beginning of this next chapter in her life, and to be able to support her as a member of her bridal party. Secondly, she is the first one of us to get married, and if you ask me, she'll be the only one for a while, since none of the rest of us are even seeing anyone, seriously or otherwise.

She went to Atlanta to teach and her now fiance, followed. Other friends in the bridal party have returned home to California, and still others have found themselves in other parts of the country for graduate school so it has been a while since we've all seen each other, so this makes her wedding even that much more special.

To date, my friend has been a model bride, no Bridezilla action here. She was even considerate enough to choose dresses that weren't super bridesmaidy looking, meaning that ideally it's something that could be worn again and were reasonably priced. With 8 bridesmaids of different sizes and shapes, there's only so much you can do.

I went maybe a month ago or so to order the dress. They run kinda small so I was sure to pick the larger size. It chiffon which seems to never lay right on shapely figures, and even though I tried a larger size, I still had reservations about how the dress was lying across my thighs and hips, it was a little tight for my taste but didn't look too bad. I asked the consultant for an even larger size but she assured me it was fine because the fabric was flowy, and a larger sized dress would swallow up my small frame, especially since it fit perfectly everywhere else. I reluctantly agreed.

I returned today to get the dress fitted and it was a nightmare. Not because they messed up my order, or because the seamstress was evil, neither was true. I could not get over how unflattering this dress ended up being. Not because it was ugly, or that the color was wrong, its just that the chiffon fabric just would not lay right. it's not even that I'm on the heavier side--in fact, I'm slender. But it just seemed to get caught around the hips. I wouldn't have minded so much had there not been extra fabric caught around my waist because I could not pull the dress down any further. Needless to say, it was not a good feeling.

I value my body, and my health and eat balanced meals and work out to stay in shape (but mainly so I can afford to eat what I like and not worry about it). One thing I promised myself, is that I would never lose weight just to fit into a dress, but that may have to change. It isn't even about me or how I feel about the dress... I'm more concerned about my friend's wedding and her wedding pictures. Yes I'll be standing next to her to support her, but in some sense, I also represent her, and I want to make sure I do it well. The only thing is, while a tad bit o weight loss is my only option, I'm not even sure that will help much. Given that my waist is much smaller that my hip measurement, the dress still may not lay right but I've got to try.

Good thing my new pole should be arriving soon because I definitely have to step up my workout game in the next month before these nuptials...pole dancing in class and at home and lots of yoga, maybe some running if it cools off outside some...but I have my work cut out for me. All I can do is hope it works out.

Whose report will you believe?

Since I've been fasting (i.e. not watching Slayer, hours of TV, or putting myself to sleep,) I've had plenty of time to think. I'm all about self discovery and taking time to process the things I do and think, as well as what goes on around me.

There are a few areas in which I've kinda been stuck, but some of it centers around Ole Faithful. Luckily I've had an epiphany or two surrounding that whole situation. I never understood why I've let this go on for so long. I was confortable, sure. But WHY was I so comfortable knowing I was an afterthought, a jumpoff? I always thought it was something about him that kept me around, you know, that I enjoyed his company, felt like he "got" me, and how no matter how stressed frustrated I may have been that day, I would always be much more calm when I was around him.

Those things still apply, but it was about me too, and I've always known that; I just never took to time to think about it beyond me liking stability, and he being as predictable as they come (for better and for worse).

Because I was experiencing so much emotional instability, I clung to whatever could offer me some stabilizing effect, or better yet, something I could tether myself to as I attempted to regain some order in the other areas in my life. I reacted the way I did (anxiety attack= no bueno) when he told me we were in a relationship because suddenly in the midst of the most change I have ever experienced at one time, I could no longer count on the one thing that kept me "sane".

It was the premise upon which I had built my thought process to begin to explain my world as it was and suddenly I had yet another thing I didn't really know how to deal with it. Never mind that we already hadn't seen each other for months, the truth is, I just don't like surprises.

This whole fasting process has made me realize too that I no longer need him in that way. For the past year, I've been working like crazy to reconstruct my world so that I can better withstand change whether it be unexpected or not, and the be the stability that I so desire. The truth is, I'm just in that season of my life where things are constantly changing. I've had to move a lot, still not sure where I will end up settling, and as many of my friends are going through the same thing our friendships have necessarily changed also. Furthermore, we are in a recession of sorts, so professionally and monetarily things are still uncertain.

That doesn't mean I have to panic, or cling to the nearest tree every time the wind blows. I've decided I will be that tree again...I have played that role in everyone else's life now that I think about it, and for myself at times, but it seems like I had given up tree status in favor of being a leaf. There's nothing wrong with that; there's a time to be a tree and there's a time to be a leaf, this is what's best for now.

Besides all of that, the rumor mill is alive and well. I have an iPhone now and I'm beginning to wonder if I can unsubscribe to this BS. I told my friend how annoyed I was that she calls me every time someone reports that Ole faithful has breathed. I know she cares about me and wants to make sure I am informed but dag, I do appreciate it but on some level I don't care. I'm not the kind of woman to keep tabs on my man, let alone someone with whom I'm just doing rhythmic gymnastics. I think what bothered me most was that the times I was getting these status updates, I wasn't dealing with him so there was no real reason for me to know... I guess things are a little different now but the new "news" is that he had a girlfriend here and back home and is living in VA, though he told me went back home.

That said, I can't say this friend is the most reliable source. A couple months ago she sent me a FB message with a pic of him with a pic of his baby mama (pre-baby of course, btw FB is the devil) saying "clearly he was messing with y'all at the same time", which truthfully hurt and angered me. I don't mind doing the no strings attached thing short term, but I firmly believe I'm good enough to get my own and man and don't relish being unknowingly put in the position of the "other woman". This info was received through my friend's FB stalking which I generally frown upon, but something told me to do my own research, (the political scientist in me). So I looked through the pics on her profile which was open, and discovered that while that particular photo was posted around the time we were seeing each other, the photo was actually older because similar pictures were posted a year or so before. Not to say he wasn't seeing us both, but it just wasn't as cut and dry as my friend was making it appear.

I don't put anything past anyone, so it's entirely possible he's been lying to me, but it's also possible I'm being fed misinformation (it doesn't help that most of my friends dislike him for the way he handles me). If it's true, then I wouldn't pursue a real relationship with him even if he wanted it, if not, I'm still no longer satisfied with the terms of our arrangement. If he isn't willing or ready to take a step forward with me, that's cool, no love lost, but I intend to make myself available for someone who can and will. Regardless, it's cause for pause, and it doesn't really change my resolve to leave this behind, for good.