Friday, December 18, 2009

I know death comes in threes, but what about men?

Security means a lot of things to a lot of people, and different things at any given time. For example it can mean that I know I'll still have a job after the next wave of lay-offs, or that if someone breaks into my house, they'll think twice next time after having bullets flying in their direction. With Ole Faithful, it means knowing where I stand and what my options are at any given moment. O options, how many of us have them?

I've been vacillating for months about what to do with my sometimey distant lover, and its been the source of much frustration. I could violently kick him to the curb, or I could just keep on keepin on. I mean, how does one justify doing this shit for THREE years? But at the same time, how could I pretend that there's actually NOTHING real between us after three years? I mean, after you spend that kinda time with someone, relationship or no, there's got to be some kind of growth right? Otherwise that would make me a heartless bitch and who wants one of those?

Well I realized, sadly, that I'm. just. ambivalent. And personally, that's worse than anything else I could possibly feel. You never want it to get to the point where it doesn't matter if you're there or not. And I realized I reached this juncture when he stood me up and left me to have dinner on my birthday alone. and I wasn't upset. Because I already knew he wasn't coming. Because he is Ole Faithful. And he was not missed. Don't get me wrong, he is good company, whether we're doing the nekked lambada or not, but I've stopped caring. hell I don't really even care if he comes, pun intended. (not like that is ever a problem)

The funny thing though, is that I think he kinda likes it, though he has no clue that he is about to lose me and the puntang he loves so much, that this is step one towards the door. In a conversation we once had about relationships I told him that once I'm done I'm done. I don't revisit things I leave behind (that can get really embarrassing), which is why I'm not going to beat myself up about how long this process is taking me. I need to know without a doubt that for me, its over. Somehow I think he expects me to wait for him, even though there are no guarantees. As if I'm supposed be able to come to conclusion that he is a good catch based off the way he treats ME. not so much. Maybe if I took into account of how he treated others but what does that have to do with the price of pork in Mexico?

That said, I'm quietly looking for a replacement. I turned in my player card years ago when I discovered that men I could play like marionettes were just not attractive to me, and juggling is a waste of energy. It might have been fun in the short term but I was not bringing them home to the family.

That said, I've been single for 3 years. And I don't date very often, and most don't get a second date. For years there were none. Suddenly there are 3. When it rains it pours. I've already decided to cut bachelor #1 the barber. He's just not my cup of tea. Bachelor #2 the unexpected, is great company but only time will tell if my interest in him is romantic or just friends, since that's how I looked at him til he asked me to dinner. Bachelor #3 Capricorn twin, shares a name with Ole faithful, including age and sign. He looks nothing like him, but for other might have taken those similarities as a sign of some sort, good or bad. Not me! I'm feeling a little off about him though because I asked him for his info, which isn't something I usually do. Dah Well. I respect his hustle but he seems like a bit of a workaholic. Can he balance work and fun?

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