Whose report will you believe?

Since I've been fasting (i.e. not watching Slayer, hours of TV, or putting myself to sleep,) I've had plenty of time to think. I'm all about self discovery and taking time to process the things I do and think, as well as what goes on around me.

There are a few areas in which I've kinda been stuck, but some of it centers around Ole Faithful. Luckily I've had an epiphany or two surrounding that whole situation. I never understood why I've let this go on for so long. I was confortable, sure. But WHY was I so comfortable knowing I was an afterthought, a jumpoff? I always thought it was something about him that kept me around, you know, that I enjoyed his company, felt like he "got" me, and how no matter how stressed frustrated I may have been that day, I would always be much more calm when I was around him.

Those things still apply, but it was about me too, and I've always known that; I just never took to time to think about it beyond me liking stability, and he being as predictable as they come (for better and for worse).

Because I was experiencing so much emotional instability, I clung to whatever could offer me some stabilizing effect, or better yet, something I could tether myself to as I attempted to regain some order in the other areas in my life. I reacted the way I did (anxiety attack= no bueno) when he told me we were in a relationship because suddenly in the midst of the most change I have ever experienced at one time, I could no longer count on the one thing that kept me "sane".

It was the premise upon which I had built my thought process to begin to explain my world as it was and suddenly I had yet another thing I didn't really know how to deal with it. Never mind that we already hadn't seen each other for months, the truth is, I just don't like surprises.

This whole fasting process has made me realize too that I no longer need him in that way. For the past year, I've been working like crazy to reconstruct my world so that I can better withstand change whether it be unexpected or not, and the be the stability that I so desire. The truth is, I'm just in that season of my life where things are constantly changing. I've had to move a lot, still not sure where I will end up settling, and as many of my friends are going through the same thing our friendships have necessarily changed also. Furthermore, we are in a recession of sorts, so professionally and monetarily things are still uncertain.

That doesn't mean I have to panic, or cling to the nearest tree every time the wind blows. I've decided I will be that tree again...I have played that role in everyone else's life now that I think about it, and for myself at times, but it seems like I had given up tree status in favor of being a leaf. There's nothing wrong with that; there's a time to be a tree and there's a time to be a leaf, this is what's best for now.

Besides all of that, the rumor mill is alive and well. I have an iPhone now and I'm beginning to wonder if I can unsubscribe to this BS. I told my friend how annoyed I was that she calls me every time someone reports that Ole faithful has breathed. I know she cares about me and wants to make sure I am informed but dag, I do appreciate it but on some level I don't care. I'm not the kind of woman to keep tabs on my man, let alone someone with whom I'm just doing rhythmic gymnastics. I think what bothered me most was that the times I was getting these status updates, I wasn't dealing with him so there was no real reason for me to know... I guess things are a little different now but the new "news" is that he had a girlfriend here and back home and is living in VA, though he told me went back home.

That said, I can't say this friend is the most reliable source. A couple months ago she sent me a FB message with a pic of him with a pic of his baby mama (pre-baby of course, btw FB is the devil) saying "clearly he was messing with y'all at the same time", which truthfully hurt and angered me. I don't mind doing the no strings attached thing short term, but I firmly believe I'm good enough to get my own and man and don't relish being unknowingly put in the position of the "other woman". This info was received through my friend's FB stalking which I generally frown upon, but something told me to do my own research, (the political scientist in me). So I looked through the pics on her profile which was open, and discovered that while that particular photo was posted around the time we were seeing each other, the photo was actually older because similar pictures were posted a year or so before. Not to say he wasn't seeing us both, but it just wasn't as cut and dry as my friend was making it appear.

I don't put anything past anyone, so it's entirely possible he's been lying to me, but it's also possible I'm being fed misinformation (it doesn't help that most of my friends dislike him for the way he handles me). If it's true, then I wouldn't pursue a real relationship with him even if he wanted it, if not, I'm still no longer satisfied with the terms of our arrangement. If he isn't willing or ready to take a step forward with me, that's cool, no love lost, but I intend to make myself available for someone who can and will. Regardless, it's cause for pause, and it doesn't really change my resolve to leave this behind, for good.