I am a woman, quintessentially

Today I realized that I've never wanted a relationship before and that sad realization struck me when Ole Faithful asked me if that's what I wanted. I've had relationships before, but I was with them because they wanted to be with me. They were wonderful gentlemen, of course, I wouldn't have dated them if they weren't, but there wasn't that feeling that it was just something I HAD to have. Maybe that's a good thing.

What do I want? I wasn't entirely sure...outside of academic interests, and maybe what I was planning to eat, I can't really say that decisions I've made were in my own self interest. But after thinking about it some I realized that while my heart may be finally ready to try the whole relationship thing again, my current circumstances do not necessarily foster an ideal relationship starting environment.

I'd like to be able to enter into a relationship from a place of balance, stability, wholeness, and peace. I've witnessed too many people be in relationships looking for others to fill a void of some sort, and from the outside looking in, it doesn't look so appealing. Given that I'm trying to build my own personal stability so that I'd feel safer being more emotionally vulnerable with others, there are too many uncertainties to seriously consider adding the needs of another person into the mix. While I'm not opposed to long distance relationships, I don't even know where I'll be next year. Not like there's anyone to consider anyway, but making a choice for where to go for Grad school would be further compounded by trying to stay fairly close to a "boo".

I always go for what I want though..so if I won't let it go, that must mean I want something right? Maybe just a steady helping of pigs in a blanket, maybe something more, either way...I've been going without for quite some time. On some level I know I just want to be better, and I'm always looking for opportunities to improve and to practice not following my old, comfortable bad habits to demonstrate my growth as a woman, and since much of where I perceive I am lacking is in the relationship area, it could be beneficial to put some of those lessons in action.

I'm just feeling like now is not the right time. I believe that there is a time to be single and a time to be in a relationship, that if done right, there are valuable lessons to be learned, and that neither process should be rushed, no matter how cold it gets outside, or how annoying is the way he chews his food.

I'm still however, learning how to reconcile the realities of my upbringing with my present personal growth aspirations. I am after all, still a woman. I have difficulty expressing my feelings, or even acknowledging that they exist, but part of this journey is finding new ways to present the inner me to the world. I think people look at me, if they know my story, and even if they don't, and they see the quintessential "strong black young woman". Always hard-working, never accepting setbacks, unemotional and level-headed (unless you threatening the fam, lol), staring down adversity, overcoming obstacles yada yada yada. It's not that those assessments are untrue, its just that they are incomplete. I'm learning to acknowledge publicly and privately that sometimes my feelings get hurt, there are PLENTY things that I fear, that staring down adversity thing that I do is more like looking like a dear caught in headlights, and yes, as strong and self sufficient as I may be, I still need a little tenderness and more than AA batteries in my life.

e tu Daddy?

I was talking to my father on the phone yesterday, and he was filling me in on some of the details of his business trip, he and my mom went on (moms is now a stay at home entrepreneur so she usually travels with my father). I'm a daddy's girl, and I've been away from home for 5 years no so my father has grown increasingly long-winded.

When it comes to me and relationships, my father has always been largely silent, but then again, I've never brought home knuckleheads so there hasn't been much that my father has needed to say. The only thing in fact, that he has ever said to me about my dating life (sparse and currently non-existent) is "you seem to have about one [boyfriend] a year".

That is until recently: During one of our check-ins, daddy was rehashing the wedding of my cousin (whom I've never met). I am my father's road dog, and my mother doesn't dance so it is usually he and I who hit the dance floor at wedding receptions together, it is he and I, not mom, who ride in his convertible with the top down (mom doesn't like the windblown look, I don't really care). Needless to say, he misses me, and that's all well and good, until he too dropped a bomb on me. He expressed to me that he hopes to live to see me get married.

DANG DADDY! that's kinda heavy.

My father isn't that old (62) and is in relatively good health. Granted, the good Lawd could take any of us at any time, so his concern is with merit, but I guess what surprised me most was that I had no clue my father took that much interest in my "love" life. Even though my father and I converse about many things, that has never been one of them...He's met all my boyfriends, of course, but never seemed to take a real interest in any of them, liked them but again, we just never really talked about it.

****Fast forward to last night****

He's telling me about his trip, where he ate (daddy KNOWS I like to eat), and then tells me he met a young lady on his return trip that reminded him alot of me. OK. But I was not prepared for what came next. By the end of the flight from Houston to California, he had the skinny on her also non-existent love life, and a little bit about her, (she's 27, an engineer of some sort, looks younger than she is, is returning from a friend's wedding, and is exasperated with her current inability to find a mate, and as a result is considering increasing the upper end of her dating range in hopes that she will find someone suitable for her). His summary: she like you is a young woman who has her stuff together, but is single because men her age don't seem to have it together.

Scooby?!

That one statement tells me that though he has never shared any of this with me before, clearly he has spent alot of time thinking about my prosepcts for a relationship, analyzed why I'm not in one and is obviously concerned, which is a little strange for me because I've never expressed any frustration to my mother or father about my dating life, or lack thereof, except maybe that one time my dad happened to call after I had just been stood up by some loser I met at a CBC event. But that wasn't about men in general but how this one individual could plan a whole entire date then fail to show without saying boo cat. I mean if you weren't interested don't ask me to go out with you.

But I digress. I don't complain because while I would like to be with someone, I understand that there is is a season to be single, and some lessons to learn during that time, and there is a time to be in a relationship. I may be single forever but while I certainly don't plan on it, I want to enjoy the season I'm in while I can. I'd like to be able to enter a union of some type from a place of peace and not dissatisfaction.

Daddy is usually so calm, cool and collected that it throws me off to see signs of him having anxiety about my prosepects for a relationship. Because He is nervous I'm starting to get nervous. I mean, I'm young and I got time right? LOL The other thing is that I completely expect these things from my mother, I mean, she is 60 with no grandbabies, but daddy?!?! I didn't expect him to heap on LE pressure also.

Thar She Blows!

So, Ole Faithful is back in town. He surprised me with a phone call about a week ago..he is Ole Faithful so I shouldn't be so surprised but things did not end so well between us last November when he told me in an unrelated convo that he was in a relationship, and without really saying so cut me off.

Of course later I got breaking news about the twist in turns in his relationship though I had never opted in:

Well he claims to have been thinking about me: (at arse o'clock of course) and is wondering if he can come by and hang out with me. I hesitate, but agree.... I should be good because I'm not in the mood for any hanky panky...and I'm stubborn so I was still feeling some kinda away about how he handled "the end".

He comes over..I sit on a different couch, we watch Ninja Warrior and play catch up...he tells me that in the half year since I saw him last he has gotten into some trouble..I expect him to tell me about the baby momma...he does not..he tells me about his legal trouble. I'm only moderately surprised, because this is not the first time he has been in some sort of trouble with the law. However, this is the first time he has given me details. He was facing 5 years but walked away with a year probation and an expunged record if he can manage to keep his nose clean for a year.

He then says he thought it was stupid that he never tried to pursue anything serious with me because I'm cool and he's never had any drama with me...okay.. but I wasn't really sure what to do or say about it because he just put it out there...he didn't necessarily indicate that he wanted to do anything about it, so I thought at the moment it was just easier to listen and say nothing.

Who knows how long he is here for or what his intentions are, but we will see, I guess.

If you do what you've always done, You'll get what you always got

A close friend of mine was visiting from out of town and invited me to visit his home church here in DC. I go and thoroughly enjoyed the service. The sermon was simple but a few things really stood out to me. The pastor was talkin bout having unclaimed blessings (not prosperity talk or nothing just that we miss out on so much God has for us because we refuse to put in the work to get it.)



But what stood out them most was him saying "You will never change what you tolerate."



After all, If you weren't pleased with something wouldn't you work to change it? It really got to me because I'm known for being the ULTIMATE persevere-er and its true. I take SO much! til I'm simply done taking it, and you know, it works for me. Honestly I wouldn't have made it this far had I not persevered...even though I had plenty people helping me along the way. And as dissatisfied I am with the way things are now, personally, professionally, etc you'd think I'd be doing more to change it but sadly I'm not. I'm trying of course but I think I've let the sheer magnitude of everything that's been going on take over so much so that I haven't been able to put together a tangible plan....



When it comes to relationships, I'm the type to observe people. I'm highly combative so I usually try to avoid arguments unless its really important because I know I will argue you to the death. But to get a feel for people's characters I tend to just observe how they treat me and others ..... and to date, I can't say my assessments have been wrong yet.. haste makes waste you know.....



My objective is...without me nagging and getting on my soap box about what I WON'T take and how I expect to be treated (all I really ask for is a little respect and consideration), how would you treat me? So needless to say...many a man has found me "suddenly" not feelin him when really I've built a case file over a period of time...it sounds harsh but isn't that what "dating" is about anyway? Spending time with a person and getting to know them. My thing is when we know we are being watched, we are usually on our best behaviour, but what about when we're left to our own devices? Would you still open the door for me if I didn't get on on my grandstand about how chivalry is on life support? Would you be as charming if I didn't tell you that that's what I like? Would you still perform as well if I didn't give you the cheat sheet to ace the test?



In my experience the answer is no, and it's left me spending many a night by my lonesome..which I don't mind. It comes with the territory. While I think my strategy works just fine (i think), I cant help but wonder if I'm helping a man think certain behaviors are okay because I usually don't say anything..granted I won't tolerate them for long but I'm primarily a non-verbal communicator so words are rarely used. It's my desire that those I invest time with are better and/or wiser for having experienced one who is Earnestly Soul Searching, but I can't help but think that my silence is impeding the growth of others....



I'm obviously still working through this so I'm sure I'll be revisiting the topic in the near future...your thoughts of course, are welcome.

Mojo Adjustment pt. 1

First, I apologize that I have not been posting consistenly. To be honest, I've been really goin through it, which has prevented me from getting in front of the computer to write, and two, sometimes my life just doesn't seem that intereting and I believe if you don't have something to say, you just shouldn't say anything at all....

**Now on to the regularly scheduled programming **

I dunno what it is, but I'm finding that apparently men under 30 are just not attracted to me. I just don't get any burn. Don't get me wrong, the maturity and more stability usually associated with older men is definitely attractive, if for no other reason that those are traits I try to cultivate in my own life. However, the few (read: 5) last inquiries I have received have been from men aged 33 and up. For some reason it has always been that way. Even as a 12 year old pubescent girl I always had older guys checkin for me but I digress. Considering my recent poor luck when it comes to some of the gentlemen in my social network I've really been examining within to see what it is about ME that keeps attracting such "relationship unsavory" people. (I mean you can only blame others for so long........) no man bashing here just dag!



So a male acquaintance of mine...the Creeper, I've kown for about 3 years now. Our interaction has always been polite, friendly yet professional....until about 6 months ago. As you know, I bartend, and he's also in the industry so I see him alot more. fine. right? until he tries to push up on me which upset and confused me because ..as I told him, I didn't even know you were REMOTELY interested in me, so how you go from good to see you --> girl gimme dat?!! I was NOT amused. So after we got over that hump... I keep him at an arms length ( after all I wouldn't wanna be in a position for a goodies snatch :-/) He still makes comments here and there about how we should get it poppin.......................................................................................... ::sigh::



One day he says to me "we need to find you a man so we can have an affair" WTH??!?!?! I let it ride because he's a strange bird, and strange birds make strange sounds.....but then he hits me with the "you know I'm engaged right? I'm shocked and taken aback seeing as how I didn't even know he was in a relationship but I didn't show my surprise and proceeded to ask about all the girly details (how'd u meet her, what's her name...etc) he shows me pics of the ring as well of the ring on her finger... announces that's she's set the date for May 2010. I repeat my congrats and promise to buy a gift when they are registered.



ESS cues gap band ::He drops a bomb on me::

Creeper: But I'm sayin, we need to just get it in one time before I married....

ESS: ::seething:: NO!

Creeper: Why Not!?!

ESS: Because that's your BOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



this exchange makes me angry on so many levels

in no particular order:

1. All the time I've known you...you never once mentioned having a girlfriend ( I used to have a crush on him...til he forced himself on me...so had he approached me differently this could've been ALL bad)

2. So you mean to tell me this WHOLE time you was tryina jizz in my draws u had a woman (long term at that!)?!

3. What makes you think after announcing that you were or engaged (or HELL! upon me finding out that you had a girlfriend) that I'm the kinda woman that would still try to pursue you or allow you access...whatever. ( This is where a lot of the soul searching comes in... am I presenting myself the wrong way? cuz I swear I be on my best behavior i.e. no revealing outfits, no segzy time jokes etc.)



and then...sigh....to be continued......

I used to love him

If you asked me today if I've ever loved...I will hem, haw and probably shrug my shoulders. To be honest I really don't have an answer. I can tell you that at the time when I was in those relationships I believed I loved the man I was with. But I find today that I don't feel anything like that towards those people I once invested so much time in. Our society tries to keep things simple so we casually say we used to love them but we are no longer IN love with them.

I personally am not willing to let myself off the hook quite that easy. I tend to choose my words very wisely and since I have difficulty sharing my feelings, I wouldn't have said it if I didn't believe I meant it. I also won't cheapen my experiences in those relationships by simply saying that in hindsight, it was just infatuation, because it wasn't.

In my mind, love is, or should be unconditional, which means I should still wish you the best and not necessarily harbor any ill sentiments towards you once things are all said and done. It doesn't mean I have to be willing to do a do-over but (at least I think) my skin shouldn't crawl at the mere mention of your name.

And that's where I find myself. Considering that I've never been broken up with, and I'm the kinda person who REALLY invests myself in relationships to the extent that I don't play that let's take a break stuff, or I don't make decisions while angry, and once I've decided I've had enough I've had enough and I don't look back, I can see why I don't reminisce about my past relationships, because when I decided I needed to leave, I made sure it was *really* over for me, and never once have I ever thought about going back to anything I've left behind.

The wrench in my path, however, comes from the long term non-relationship I had with Ole Faithful. We did the whole no strings attached shindig for 2 years...longer than any legitimate relationship I've ever had mind you, where the first year he spent trying to get me to let him update my plumbing system, and the second year giving sporadic tune ups. In that time, he was someone who I came to respect and trust physically, and assumed (incorrectly) that he felt the same.

I always joke with my friends that there ain't nothing like a strong man to make you wanna submit (lol) And with our interaction I think that was very true. My last two BFs we're definitely more emotional than I am, one being insecure in life and the other, insecure in our relationship. which grated on me as time went by. Ole Faithful, not so much. He was just as stoic as I am, and besides his physical strength, he seemed to get me, even if he was reluctant to let me get to know him. He challenged me, but never pushed so hard as to arouse my stubborn combative nature (I hate to admit it, but not everything I do and say makes sense, i.e. I once told him we couldn't have segzy time because I ain't know him like that....yet I was nekked in his bed for SHAME, I know), and I can say I learned a lot about myself from kickin it with him (hence the respect). I even let him be ringmaster in Le Sac, which is REALLY out of character for me. As small as I am, I'm usually the one who dominates...and truthfully, it is nice to be dominated every once in a while.

But anyway, now that that's all over, based on my current concept of love, I could argue that I loved Ole faithful. I would never argue that, but you get my point. Despite everything I went through with him, I still feel no ill towards him, maybe even still have a little positivity left in my mind. If love is really supposed to be unconditional, then wouldn't this be evidence of that?

And here I thought it was just something in the water

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090318/ap_on_he_me/med_baby_boomlet_5

Babies are popping out of the woodwork. They kinda always have been. So what makes these trying times so different? Surely we've all seen young unmarried women with swollen bellies waddling down the street... And I've come to terms with that. There were even some acquaintances I knew that had children early...the problem now is..this is getting WAY too close to home! With close friends, study buddies and gfs of immediate exs now expecting, I feel like I'm in a small room dodging bullets, and I'm claustrophobic.

Ideally I would like to be married before I start a family, and I'm inclined to think that's every woman's plan, but given the sheer number of people being swept away by the undertow of pregnancy, things don't always go according to plan. Don't get me wrong, I love children and I truly believe they are a gift from God, and I wish every woman has a healthy baby, but considering how tough things are in the job market and economy this seems like a terrible time to get pregnant, especially when you are not an established professional, or have little to no job security. Or worse, you're working retail, waitressing or something like that (like many recent graduates are).

However, I bring this up, not to throw ashes on the faces of those who now have to plan for an extra mouth to feed, but it kinda got me thinkin bout some of the larger issues I've been confronted with as of late: mainly my female friends' obsession with marriage or at least "needing a man". I'm not saying at all that men aren't necessary, one day I hope to be in a serious relationship with one and eventually would like to get married. But when did it become the focus (at the ripe ole age of 22)? What happened since graduation that suddenly makes my friends feel like they can't focus on anything besides the pursuit of man? and how, if at all, is that connected to the uptick in pregnancies in my social network?

I feel like I've missed some crucial step in the socialization process because I'm not on the same page.

Growing up I, and many other young women in my generation were taught to pursue education and career first, the boys will always be there. But somehow, during my junior year of college, I was somehow expected to be in a serious relationship. weird right? Maybe for most people. But for me it was downright terrifying!

**Because my parents were strict I wasnt allowed to hang out with girls my own age; instead, my social life centered around women who had almost a decade on me in age or more. One such woman I spent alot of time with, Danielle*, was in ther 30's with a medical degree from John's Hopkins, sweet, caring, loved Jesus and was guess what?--single and hating it with not a single prospect on the horizon.**

Was this the early onset of single woman hateration and devaluation? If so I'm SO not ready. and that's terrifying because I don't like not being prepared...

This isn't over so I reserve the right to revisit this topic later. Hopefully I won't be pregnant then.....

*Name changed