I know death comes in threes, but what about men?

Security means a lot of things to a lot of people, and different things at any given time. For example it can mean that I know I'll still have a job after the next wave of lay-offs, or that if someone breaks into my house, they'll think twice next time after having bullets flying in their direction. With Ole Faithful, it means knowing where I stand and what my options are at any given moment. O options, how many of us have them?

I've been vacillating for months about what to do with my sometimey distant lover, and its been the source of much frustration. I could violently kick him to the curb, or I could just keep on keepin on. I mean, how does one justify doing this shit for THREE years? But at the same time, how could I pretend that there's actually NOTHING real between us after three years? I mean, after you spend that kinda time with someone, relationship or no, there's got to be some kind of growth right? Otherwise that would make me a heartless bitch and who wants one of those?

Well I realized, sadly, that I'm. just. ambivalent. And personally, that's worse than anything else I could possibly feel. You never want it to get to the point where it doesn't matter if you're there or not. And I realized I reached this juncture when he stood me up and left me to have dinner on my birthday alone. and I wasn't upset. Because I already knew he wasn't coming. Because he is Ole Faithful. And he was not missed. Don't get me wrong, he is good company, whether we're doing the nekked lambada or not, but I've stopped caring. hell I don't really even care if he comes, pun intended. (not like that is ever a problem)

The funny thing though, is that I think he kinda likes it, though he has no clue that he is about to lose me and the puntang he loves so much, that this is step one towards the door. In a conversation we once had about relationships I told him that once I'm done I'm done. I don't revisit things I leave behind (that can get really embarrassing), which is why I'm not going to beat myself up about how long this process is taking me. I need to know without a doubt that for me, its over. Somehow I think he expects me to wait for him, even though there are no guarantees. As if I'm supposed be able to come to conclusion that he is a good catch based off the way he treats ME. not so much. Maybe if I took into account of how he treated others but what does that have to do with the price of pork in Mexico?

That said, I'm quietly looking for a replacement. I turned in my player card years ago when I discovered that men I could play like marionettes were just not attractive to me, and juggling is a waste of energy. It might have been fun in the short term but I was not bringing them home to the family.

That said, I've been single for 3 years. And I don't date very often, and most don't get a second date. For years there were none. Suddenly there are 3. When it rains it pours. I've already decided to cut bachelor #1 the barber. He's just not my cup of tea. Bachelor #2 the unexpected, is great company but only time will tell if my interest in him is romantic or just friends, since that's how I looked at him til he asked me to dinner. Bachelor #3 Capricorn twin, shares a name with Ole faithful, including age and sign. He looks nothing like him, but for other might have taken those similarities as a sign of some sort, good or bad. Not me! I'm feeling a little off about him though because I asked him for his info, which isn't something I usually do. Dah Well. I respect his hustle but he seems like a bit of a workaholic. Can he balance work and fun?

e tu Daddy?

I was talking to my father on the phone yesterday, and he was filling me in on some of the details of his business trip, he and my mom went on (moms is now a stay at home entrepreneur so she usually travels with my father). I'm a daddy's girl, and I've been away from home for 5 years no so my father has grown increasingly long-winded.

When it comes to me and relationships, my father has always been largely silent, but then again, I've never brought home knuckleheads so there hasn't been much that my father has needed to say. The only thing in fact, that he has ever said to me about my dating life (sparse and currently non-existent) is "you seem to have about one [boyfriend] a year".

That is until recently: During one of our check-ins, daddy was rehashing the wedding of my cousin (whom I've never met). I am my father's road dog, and my mother doesn't dance so it is usually he and I who hit the dance floor at wedding receptions together, it is he and I, not mom, who ride in his convertible with the top down (mom doesn't like the windblown look, I don't really care). Needless to say, he misses me, and that's all well and good, until he too dropped a bomb on me. He expressed to me that he hopes to live to see me get married.

DANG DADDY! that's kinda heavy.

My father isn't that old (62) and is in relatively good health. Granted, the good Lawd could take any of us at any time, so his concern is with merit, but I guess what surprised me most was that I had no clue my father took that much interest in my "love" life. Even though my father and I converse about many things, that has never been one of them...He's met all my boyfriends, of course, but never seemed to take a real interest in any of them, liked them but again, we just never really talked about it.

****Fast forward to last night****

He's telling me about his trip, where he ate (daddy KNOWS I like to eat), and then tells me he met a young lady on his return trip that reminded him alot of me. OK. But I was not prepared for what came next. By the end of the flight from Houston to California, he had the skinny on her also non-existent love life, and a little bit about her, (she's 27, an engineer of some sort, looks younger than she is, is returning from a friend's wedding, and is exasperated with her current inability to find a mate, and as a result is considering increasing the upper end of her dating range in hopes that she will find someone suitable for her). His summary: she like you is a young woman who has her stuff together, but is single because men her age don't seem to have it together.

Scooby?!

That one statement tells me that though he has never shared any of this with me before, clearly he has spent alot of time thinking about my prosepcts for a relationship, analyzed why I'm not in one and is obviously concerned, which is a little strange for me because I've never expressed any frustration to my mother or father about my dating life, or lack thereof, except maybe that one time my dad happened to call after I had just been stood up by some loser I met at a CBC event. But that wasn't about men in general but how this one individual could plan a whole entire date then fail to show without saying boo cat. I mean if you weren't interested don't ask me to go out with you.

But I digress. I don't complain because while I would like to be with someone, I understand that there is is a season to be single, and some lessons to learn during that time, and there is a time to be in a relationship. I may be single forever but while I certainly don't plan on it, I want to enjoy the season I'm in while I can. I'd like to be able to enter a union of some type from a place of peace and not dissatisfaction.

Daddy is usually so calm, cool and collected that it throws me off to see signs of him having anxiety about my prosepects for a relationship. Because He is nervous I'm starting to get nervous. I mean, I'm young and I got time right? LOL The other thing is that I completely expect these things from my mother, I mean, she is 60 with no grandbabies, but daddy?!?! I didn't expect him to heap on LE pressure also.

Thar She Blows!

So, Ole Faithful is back in town. He surprised me with a phone call about a week ago..he is Ole Faithful so I shouldn't be so surprised but things did not end so well between us last November when he told me in an unrelated convo that he was in a relationship, and without really saying so cut me off.

Of course later I got breaking news about the twist in turns in his relationship though I had never opted in:

Well he claims to have been thinking about me: (at arse o'clock of course) and is wondering if he can come by and hang out with me. I hesitate, but agree.... I should be good because I'm not in the mood for any hanky panky...and I'm stubborn so I was still feeling some kinda away about how he handled "the end".

He comes over..I sit on a different couch, we watch Ninja Warrior and play catch up...he tells me that in the half year since I saw him last he has gotten into some trouble..I expect him to tell me about the baby momma...he does not..he tells me about his legal trouble. I'm only moderately surprised, because this is not the first time he has been in some sort of trouble with the law. However, this is the first time he has given me details. He was facing 5 years but walked away with a year probation and an expunged record if he can manage to keep his nose clean for a year.

He then says he thought it was stupid that he never tried to pursue anything serious with me because I'm cool and he's never had any drama with me...okay.. but I wasn't really sure what to do or say about it because he just put it out there...he didn't necessarily indicate that he wanted to do anything about it, so I thought at the moment it was just easier to listen and say nothing.

Who knows how long he is here for or what his intentions are, but we will see, I guess.

Bartender Vision pt 4 "Flex, Time to have Sex "

Last night I had a BALL at work. Even though its a reggae club that plays reggae 95% of the night, the Wednesday DJ, though he is from Trinidad specializes in R & B, and he knows I'm from Cali so when its slow he tends to play more hip hop and R&B til the crowd arrives. Last night he is playin all my jams, Candy Rain, Back that Azz Up, Danger, I Got Five on it, the list goes on, so I'm partying hard...early.

We've also added a new bartender to the staff to help us manage the summer crowds. The veteran on staff is quitting also so it is uncertain whether or not the owners will hire yet another bartender, but we will see... she she's been training with each of us. Last night was her night with me. She seems cool..a little quiet for now, but that will change I think. She's thick like me and likes to dance so we partied especially hard, because the night was kinda slow so we didn't have to make that many drinks.

Gyrating shapely women + scant clothing= many tips, even when the bar doesn't make that much. Because she is training, she can't collect her own tips. As the head bartender for the night, it is up to my discretion to decide what she gets to take home above her hourly, if any.

I'll say I'm probably the nicest. The veteran, she doesn't' give one red coppy cent; my twin, who revels with me half nekked on Saturday nights, may give a "couple dollars" as she put it, whereas I have traditionally allowed them to keep what they make...I feel kinda bad though because I had to re-evaluate that practice because they train on slow nights where I usually don't make as much anyway.....so now I just tip 20% of my tips, as if they were bar backs....of course that is determined by how hard you worked that night... because some I have trained have just stood there.... needless to say, they weren't hired.

I like the new girl, she's friendly enough, understands customer service, is observant, learns quickly, and has the potential to bring in big tips, which is especially important now that we will begin pooling tips on nights where the 3 of us will be working.

Well she and I are partying hard, the bar isn't that busy, and even though we are not packed, the crowd is Definitely getting it in. My regulars are loving it..I usually wear more clothes on Wednesday night but it's hot! And generally speaking my personal philosophy is the hotter it gets, the less I wear. Naturally, sometimes customers will try to holla at us. It comes with the territory, but this one customer, the horny toad, hand me his phone with his credit card receipt, indicating that I should give him my number. I hand him his phone back, sans my number-- It is against my bartender code of ethics.

********************************

There is nothing wrong with giving out your number, I just prefer not to do it because:

1. I try not to mix business with pleasure- (could you imagine some random I'm dating who I met @ the club always being there to "check up on me"?)

1a. The club is a very close knit environment. If you allow it, they will know ALL your personal business, I don't want the goings on of my private life to be fodder for the workplace.

1b. this includes not dating people associated with the club in any capacity, whether it be one of the owners, friend or family of the owners, etc.

Could you imagine the kind of drama that would ensue if I had a thing with someone that went south? One of the regulars was dating the DJ way back when and that STILL causes trouble so I could only imagine.... I like to stay drama free.

2. It's not so easy to tell if you are a stalker or otherwise crazy just by standing behind the bar.

3. I'm half nekked for crying out loud!..that is NOT the first impression I want to make on a potential boo.. I tend to dress much more conservatively in real life..no need to have the poor man deceived.

************************************

Well anyway, the horny toad seems undaunted. he says, in that forward, drunk voice, give me your digits. I smile, slide his phone back and move on to dance and serve others, and give some pointers to the newbie.

Horny toad (HT): You need to stop fakin on me and give me your number

ESS: I'm sorry but I don't give my number out at the club

HT: But how am I going to get to know you?

ESS: Come see me next Wednesday

Horny toad grabs my hand, caresses it

HT: I mean I ain't coming at you wrong, I just wanna make LOVE to you

ESS: oh. Insert smile here...set-up for classic move. Reach back for napkin and a pen, instructs HT to write his info down so that I may call HIM later....it never happens. The napkin usually doesn't even make it home

I really is a delicate balancing act to make that work. I don't wanna piss any customer off so that they stop coming or stop getting drinks from me, but I don't want half of DC wearing out my number either.....

and yes, I apply the same rules to the cute ones...

If you do what you've always done, You'll get what you always got

A close friend of mine was visiting from out of town and invited me to visit his home church here in DC. I go and thoroughly enjoyed the service. The sermon was simple but a few things really stood out to me. The pastor was talkin bout having unclaimed blessings (not prosperity talk or nothing just that we miss out on so much God has for us because we refuse to put in the work to get it.)



But what stood out them most was him saying "You will never change what you tolerate."



After all, If you weren't pleased with something wouldn't you work to change it? It really got to me because I'm known for being the ULTIMATE persevere-er and its true. I take SO much! til I'm simply done taking it, and you know, it works for me. Honestly I wouldn't have made it this far had I not persevered...even though I had plenty people helping me along the way. And as dissatisfied I am with the way things are now, personally, professionally, etc you'd think I'd be doing more to change it but sadly I'm not. I'm trying of course but I think I've let the sheer magnitude of everything that's been going on take over so much so that I haven't been able to put together a tangible plan....



When it comes to relationships, I'm the type to observe people. I'm highly combative so I usually try to avoid arguments unless its really important because I know I will argue you to the death. But to get a feel for people's characters I tend to just observe how they treat me and others ..... and to date, I can't say my assessments have been wrong yet.. haste makes waste you know.....



My objective is...without me nagging and getting on my soap box about what I WON'T take and how I expect to be treated (all I really ask for is a little respect and consideration), how would you treat me? So needless to say...many a man has found me "suddenly" not feelin him when really I've built a case file over a period of time...it sounds harsh but isn't that what "dating" is about anyway? Spending time with a person and getting to know them. My thing is when we know we are being watched, we are usually on our best behaviour, but what about when we're left to our own devices? Would you still open the door for me if I didn't get on on my grandstand about how chivalry is on life support? Would you be as charming if I didn't tell you that that's what I like? Would you still perform as well if I didn't give you the cheat sheet to ace the test?



In my experience the answer is no, and it's left me spending many a night by my lonesome..which I don't mind. It comes with the territory. While I think my strategy works just fine (i think), I cant help but wonder if I'm helping a man think certain behaviors are okay because I usually don't say anything..granted I won't tolerate them for long but I'm primarily a non-verbal communicator so words are rarely used. It's my desire that those I invest time with are better and/or wiser for having experienced one who is Earnestly Soul Searching, but I can't help but think that my silence is impeding the growth of others....



I'm obviously still working through this so I'm sure I'll be revisiting the topic in the near future...your thoughts of course, are welcome.

Mojo Adjustment pt. 1

First, I apologize that I have not been posting consistenly. To be honest, I've been really goin through it, which has prevented me from getting in front of the computer to write, and two, sometimes my life just doesn't seem that intereting and I believe if you don't have something to say, you just shouldn't say anything at all....

**Now on to the regularly scheduled programming **

I dunno what it is, but I'm finding that apparently men under 30 are just not attracted to me. I just don't get any burn. Don't get me wrong, the maturity and more stability usually associated with older men is definitely attractive, if for no other reason that those are traits I try to cultivate in my own life. However, the few (read: 5) last inquiries I have received have been from men aged 33 and up. For some reason it has always been that way. Even as a 12 year old pubescent girl I always had older guys checkin for me but I digress. Considering my recent poor luck when it comes to some of the gentlemen in my social network I've really been examining within to see what it is about ME that keeps attracting such "relationship unsavory" people. (I mean you can only blame others for so long........) no man bashing here just dag!



So a male acquaintance of mine...the Creeper, I've kown for about 3 years now. Our interaction has always been polite, friendly yet professional....until about 6 months ago. As you know, I bartend, and he's also in the industry so I see him alot more. fine. right? until he tries to push up on me which upset and confused me because ..as I told him, I didn't even know you were REMOTELY interested in me, so how you go from good to see you --> girl gimme dat?!! I was NOT amused. So after we got over that hump... I keep him at an arms length ( after all I wouldn't wanna be in a position for a goodies snatch :-/) He still makes comments here and there about how we should get it poppin.......................................................................................... ::sigh::



One day he says to me "we need to find you a man so we can have an affair" WTH??!?!?! I let it ride because he's a strange bird, and strange birds make strange sounds.....but then he hits me with the "you know I'm engaged right? I'm shocked and taken aback seeing as how I didn't even know he was in a relationship but I didn't show my surprise and proceeded to ask about all the girly details (how'd u meet her, what's her name...etc) he shows me pics of the ring as well of the ring on her finger... announces that's she's set the date for May 2010. I repeat my congrats and promise to buy a gift when they are registered.



ESS cues gap band ::He drops a bomb on me::

Creeper: But I'm sayin, we need to just get it in one time before I married....

ESS: ::seething:: NO!

Creeper: Why Not!?!

ESS: Because that's your BOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



this exchange makes me angry on so many levels

in no particular order:

1. All the time I've known you...you never once mentioned having a girlfriend ( I used to have a crush on him...til he forced himself on me...so had he approached me differently this could've been ALL bad)

2. So you mean to tell me this WHOLE time you was tryina jizz in my draws u had a woman (long term at that!)?!

3. What makes you think after announcing that you were or engaged (or HELL! upon me finding out that you had a girlfriend) that I'm the kinda woman that would still try to pursue you or allow you access...whatever. ( This is where a lot of the soul searching comes in... am I presenting myself the wrong way? cuz I swear I be on my best behavior i.e. no revealing outfits, no segzy time jokes etc.)



and then...sigh....to be continued......

Bartender Vision pt 2 "blame it on the alcohol?"

*** mind drifts back to early days at the new spot***

Twas a crowded Wednesday at the bar. The DJ was playing all my favorite reggae songs, and even threw in a couple old school west coast jams like "I got 5 on it". I noticed a patron enter wearing some grey leggings, and triangle top bikini under a red cropped jacket. She was on the heavier side but who cares? She is GETTIN it on the dance floor and she orders two zombies (in the best DC accent you can imagine) from me and tips well.

The night progresses, the bar gets so busy I don't even notice that It's Last Call. We stop selling liquor, the lights come on and the DJ is playing the last couple of songs. The zombie loving patron is still on the dance floor getting, only now that some space has been cleared by exiting revelers, she has begun somersaulting (read: forward roll) back and forth across the floor which I am sure is now littered with napkins and spilled drinks.

At our spot, we don't usually don't end the night with slow songs like you might find at hip hop or top 40 clubs, so you're going to hear a lot of soca and dancehall from the height of the evening til the end. Well the zombie loving patron ups the ante and starts p-poppin in a hand stand...or better yet, a headstand. Then she tucked out of the headstand, and somersaulted across the floor only to stand up and resume wine-ing. It was a sight to behold ... by this time I could see her cheap cotton thong poking from the top of her gray leggings. And when she stood up and collected herself when the music finally turned off, you could also see her nipplets had slipped from out of her triangle top from all of the turbulence. eck! And yes, I saw it all and instantly named her the nekked contortionist.

While I haven't seen her nipples since (thank GAWD!) there has only been one time that she has not been rolling on the floor by the end of the night. and she comes at LEAST a couple times a week. All she drinks is zombies and shots of 1738. every now and again I can get her to try long island concoctions...but she don't want nothing that ain't strong. I figure if she wears, cut up leggings and a crop top in the dead of winter, I can only imagine what she does or doesn't wear in the summer...I'm not so sure I want to know but I'll find out soon enough.

The other thing I been thinking bout as of late...I wonder what she does for a living? It's not like she's a young college student acting reckless at the club...she's at least in her late 20s or early 30s and she always comes by herself...so I just wonder what is she like before or after she leaves the club? hmmmn

After all the tabs are closed and everyone has left, I clean up for the night. Many of the regulars are my bosses friends, or long time associates. One in particular offers me a ride home. He seems nice and genuine I guess, but I don't get in cars with people I don't know. Hell! I don't get in cars with a lot of the people I DO know, but I digress. I politely decline. he doesnt seem to wanna take no for an answer. I get a ride home from the other bartender, he offers to follow us. I vehemently reject his offer. Part of othe point of me not getting in his car is I don't want people knowing where I live, in case you are a stalker, the other point is to not end up in a ditch somewhere... Day one, Victory: ESS

That saturday, some of the staff (meaning DJ, bartenders, owner, buddies) decide to go to breakfast after work. To Infinity and beyond (TINB) tags along. He bores a hole through my neck with his eyes over breakfast, and I ask the other bartender if this guy is crazy weird...via text of course and she says, once he latches, he doesn't let go. I get the message.

Luckily the DJ, with whom I have a rapport, is going to his girlfriend's house, who lives in my direction, so I quickly jump on his offer to give me a ride home. TINB looks angry, like OJ angry and I'm glad I got away... The DJ and I laugh, I live to bartend another day.

The following week, the staff decides to skip breakfast and just go home, so the DJ does not stick around but TINB certainly does. I text him to let him know the stalker is upon me and he laughs. He tells me that's what I get for wearing leggings and names me vodoo booty!

What a twist of fate! I'm the one who is constantly doling out monikers, and here I have been named...

Swagger* gone awry (case in point #1)

So my best friend came to visit me this weekend. Unfortunately I could take off from bartending (and secretly I didn't want to because the money is so good), so I brought her to work with me. She had a great time.

After a long night of (Me) slangin drinks we were starving, so we decided to go to the Diner and grab a bite to eat...(Thank GOD that place never closes.)

However, shortly after we were seated a gentleman by the name of Jamal** approached our table. He asked us if we minded if him and his 5 friends sat at a table next to ours... I mean, it a free country, so we didn't mind. But then he sits down, and no friends appear...my bff and I look at each other quizzically, then understand: We don't know from whence he came, but he has just fed us a line. We are unimpressed, but he keeps talking.

Our waitress comes to take our order, we are unready so we order juice....so does he. I HOPE he doesn't think I will pay for it, cuz homie don't play dat! I then realize I left my carmex(tm) at work, and I desperately need to go back and get it, but I did not want to leave my visiting friend with this fool...he just may try to eat her alive. So I send her to fetch my things.

By this time he has sat down next to us (read:me)...has put up his feet in the chair directly across from me, and has perched himself in my personal space. I give him one of "the looks" but I humor him because he has not been disrespectful. He introduces himself and I do the same. He asks me what is the most interesting thing about me. I'm impressed, and I tell him so; it's probably the most interesting question any "potential" suitor has asked me and we're not even on a date. After I complement him and begin racking my brain for an answer, he announces to me that yea, he already demonstrated his swagger* by sitting down with us and putting up his feet [marking territory? I'm trying to understand, lol], you know because he's so swaggertastic he can do pretty much whatever he wants, his swagger will carry him to new heights, but now it was time to show me he was intelligent.

I'm not sure how asking a unique, question makes one automatically intelligent, but it was too early in the morning to send him through the crucible so I focus on my answer.

I tell him that I would probably say my life experiences are what make me mist interesting [not a GREAT answer I know, but it's the feedback I get from friends]. But then I ask him the same, and he didn't really have an answer.... how do you ask a personal question that you don't have an answer for? hmmn Maybe it's just me...... or maybe I was to assume his "swagger"* was what made him interesting...

...And now for my point
1) Swagger in its purest form is not something that needs nor should be announced. If you have to say it, you don't got it. It is something you might just know you possess, and its confirmed or felt by others.
i.e. Sexy, older, bald black man on the metro in a suit the other day. He never once looked my way, he probably never even saw me but I couldn't help blushing and looking away as I was overcome by his aura. It wasn't cocky, assuming, or sexual. It was just there. I felt it. It works. And it dominated me and my thoughts for the rest of the day. Take notes fellas.

2) I'm sure there is another point in here somewhere, but I was distracted by Bill O'Reilly so I forgot.

*again--Can we please boycott the use of this word? It's been commandeered and loosely redefined by "mainstream" media, and while it is descriptive, it has lost much of it's usefulness since everything can now be described as "swagger". It was used shamelessly in this post in hopes that you would be just as annoyed by it's constant usage.

**Name left unchanged so that Brothas named Jamal everywhere may learn from this man's mistake.

Bartender Vision pt 1

As a bartender, I get to witness a lot of tomfoolery and other social interactions among people who frequent my establishment. You may even find descriptions of and anecdotes about some of my more colorful regulars.

On a slightly unrelated note,
****public service announcement from bartenders across America****
For the best customer service experience on a busy night, please know what you want to order before you flag me down.....

Basic profile of some of the regulars:

"The sleuth"- Aptly named because he slinks from woman to woman insisting on buying them drinks, tho he usually only orders pineapple juice for himself (when he senses I'm getting annoyed by his attempt to monopolize my time)
"The Nekked Contortionist"-To be explained later
"To Infinity and Beyond"- Regular who owns an Infinity and forcefully insists on giving me a ride home after work...which I ALWAYS refuse, UGH!

**mind drifts back to inauguration weekend**

It was actually my first weekend working at the new spot and I gotta admit I was kinda excited. Being the type who would rater make money than spend it, I knew I was gon make a killing (which I did). The bars were gonna be open extra late and there would be throngs of people in town to witness history unfold, and tons of people looking to "toast" the nights away.

As a general rule, I try to always spend time conversing with customers, new or old, when it's slow. Providing a nice environment, can sometimes make the difference between someone becoming "your regular" or not, or if people actually return to the establishment or not. I also have begun the practice of giving out complimentary shots of drink combos for people to try...when its slow. But when it gets busy you cant expect the same treatment simply because the demand for my attention is much higher.

in the slow part of the evening, entering stage left: The Sleuth
he sits down, smiles to indicate that he is friendly and approachable
I smile back, indicating that I see him and I am ready to make some money (lol)

Earnestly Soul Searching: How are you doing today?
the Sleuth: I'm doing great actually
ESS: good to hear! Can I get you something to drink?
S: no. I'm good right now.
ESS: oh okay. well give me a second to check on the other customers and I'll be back.
walks aways to tend to other customers and converse

S: Madame Bartender!
ESS goes to see what the sleuth needs...after much conversation and no drink ordering
S: You should give me your number and we should go out sometime
ESS: No thank you
S: Why not?
ESS: Because I try not to mix work with pleasure
walks away to take drink orders as it is starting to get busy, and the Sleuth doesn't seem to want to order anything, not even water.

The Sleuth flags me down once more. I know he's not going to order anything. I bristle, but pull out my patience reserves.

ESS: Yes?
S: The way I see it, I'm probably the most famous guy you'll meet in here, I'm a nice guy, you seem like a nice lady, we should go out, at least let me give you my number.
ESS:wtf? The sleuth, seeing the confused annoyed look flash across my face says
S: Am I starting to annoy you?
ESS: lying No But I can't sit here and talk to you when it's busy like this especially if you're not ordering anything.
S: I don't drink
ESS: That's fine, we also sell juice, soda, red bull and water.
The Sleuth orders a pineapple juice to placate the increasingly annoyed bartender.
S: Do you have a pen? ESS hands him pineapple juice and a pen. He write his number down on a napkin. Are you going to call me?
ESS: I doubt it
S: No! Are you gon call me?
ESS: (ending this stupid cat n mouse game) Sure!
walks off to take other orders.

So after all of that, The sleuth managed to latch on to a group of unsuspecting women and began to pay for their apple martinis, maybe he thought he would make me jealous...I was just glad it wasn't me. But what he didn't know, was that I've got bartender vision*. Our perspective of what goes on in the club from behind the bar is markedly different from those on the other side. Maybe he didn't know I saw or thought I was too busy to notice that the girls he started off with had gotten annoyed by his leech like behavior. Gawd help em if he gave them the same stupid line he gave me, but slowly but surely he made his rounds around the club, slowly getting rejected by each group of girls he would descend upon like a plague...and it happens every time he comes. Maybe he's just clueless, or insane because he tries roughly the same strategy, and I've never seen him leave with neither a number NOR a lady.

The moral of this story? Well there are several. Probably too many to be mentioned in this small space, but for starters we'll point out the obvious ones:

1) Attempts to ingratiate yourself with the women in the club by buying them drinks is an art. Any old fool shouldn't do it and expect great results (unless you try to get them so drunk they don't know right from left, but then again, I don't think you can call that great results). It CAN however, open the door to a conversation, after that, it's all on you. If they didn't like your personality before, they won't like it any more after you've bought a drink for them.

2) A phone number for a drink is NOT an even exchange!!!

3) No usually means no

4) Insinuating that a woman can do no better than you is not a convincing argument, it's an insult! I don't care how much "swagger**" you have.

* No, It's not a creepy 6th sense, nor am I spying on people for blog material, even though people don't realize they provide lots of useful material, but my job consists of more than just making drinks; I'm also sort of a stool pigeon for the bouncers. I have to pay attention to what's going on even beyond the bar to situations that may arise to alert them before they get out of hand. In such a crowded space, bouncers may only notice when the pushing starts or when fists fly. But I also watch body language, and can hear the words that maybe were exchanged at the bar before the fight actually broke out. It's a lot, but I'm good at it.
** Can we please boycott the use of this word? It's been commandeered and loosely redefined by "mainstream" media, and while it is descriptive, it has lost much of it's usefulness since everything can now be described as "swagger".

And here I thought it was just something in the water

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090318/ap_on_he_me/med_baby_boomlet_5

Babies are popping out of the woodwork. They kinda always have been. So what makes these trying times so different? Surely we've all seen young unmarried women with swollen bellies waddling down the street... And I've come to terms with that. There were even some acquaintances I knew that had children early...the problem now is..this is getting WAY too close to home! With close friends, study buddies and gfs of immediate exs now expecting, I feel like I'm in a small room dodging bullets, and I'm claustrophobic.

Ideally I would like to be married before I start a family, and I'm inclined to think that's every woman's plan, but given the sheer number of people being swept away by the undertow of pregnancy, things don't always go according to plan. Don't get me wrong, I love children and I truly believe they are a gift from God, and I wish every woman has a healthy baby, but considering how tough things are in the job market and economy this seems like a terrible time to get pregnant, especially when you are not an established professional, or have little to no job security. Or worse, you're working retail, waitressing or something like that (like many recent graduates are).

However, I bring this up, not to throw ashes on the faces of those who now have to plan for an extra mouth to feed, but it kinda got me thinkin bout some of the larger issues I've been confronted with as of late: mainly my female friends' obsession with marriage or at least "needing a man". I'm not saying at all that men aren't necessary, one day I hope to be in a serious relationship with one and eventually would like to get married. But when did it become the focus (at the ripe ole age of 22)? What happened since graduation that suddenly makes my friends feel like they can't focus on anything besides the pursuit of man? and how, if at all, is that connected to the uptick in pregnancies in my social network?

I feel like I've missed some crucial step in the socialization process because I'm not on the same page.

Growing up I, and many other young women in my generation were taught to pursue education and career first, the boys will always be there. But somehow, during my junior year of college, I was somehow expected to be in a serious relationship. weird right? Maybe for most people. But for me it was downright terrifying!

**Because my parents were strict I wasnt allowed to hang out with girls my own age; instead, my social life centered around women who had almost a decade on me in age or more. One such woman I spent alot of time with, Danielle*, was in ther 30's with a medical degree from John's Hopkins, sweet, caring, loved Jesus and was guess what?--single and hating it with not a single prospect on the horizon.**

Was this the early onset of single woman hateration and devaluation? If so I'm SO not ready. and that's terrifying because I don't like not being prepared...

This isn't over so I reserve the right to revisit this topic later. Hopefully I won't be pregnant then.....

*Name changed