Its been along time, shouldnta left you

In the time since I've last posted much has transpired.

Personally,

I got accepted into my PhD program with full scholarship and stipend, after months of hard work, waiting and being wait-listed. Expecting that I wouldn't be accepted I started a culinary program, and BOY are there some characters there. I ended up with a full time job (who knew part time work was so hard to come by?), stopped humping, and am preparing to move....again.

At the Reggae Club,

the Little Mermaid got arrested last weekend for fighting some white boys after leaving our club, two weeks I witnessed this man finger boning his girl DIRECTLY in front of the bar...and then licking his fingers (ugh! I STILL have nightmares over this). I almost, quit because on the busiest Wednesday EVER! The Big Bad Wolf decides to cuss me out, IN FRONT OF OUR CUSTOMERS during peak operational hours. Also, bartender twin was acting crazy and coming at my neck every chance she could leaving me to side eye her, and continue making that money. We have a truck for DC Carnival this year, and I'm required to wear a costume. no biggie tho. THis body was made for 3 pieces of fabric, glitter and sun.

Time for an upgrade

Happy New Year!!!!

I don't do New Years Resolutions, for the simple fact that the success rate is very low, and I personally don't believe that I should wait til the beginning of a new year to make changes to my life if I feel like I'm headed in the wrong direction. However, given all the time I had to chill at home in Cali with the fam and the homies, doing nothing but eating everything that wasn't nailed down and letting the itis wash over me like lapping waves and rays of sunshine, I had plenty of time to plot my next steps.

There are several things that have been on my mind lately about how I feel about where I am in my life. With grad school apps finally out of the way, and my savings well below where I'd like them to be (somebody coulda told a sista applying to grad school was HELLA expensive, especially after factoring in a new laptop sheesh!), I've been taking stock and regrouping. The reality is that I'm unsatisfied, and have been for months. I often sprinkle tidbits of my "love" life here but that is the least of my worries.

2004-2008 were years of great sacrifice. 2009 was the year I chose the enjoy the fruits of my labor. This year I need balance. I need to work hard, play hard, but yet still move toward my future. It won't come without sacrifice, or without some indulgences. But it will take me making bigger investments in ME-- my goals, my dreams, my relationships. If I don't think I'm worth it, who else will?

The biggest challenge is my home. Many women fantasize about their wedding day and the kind of ring they want, etc.; I fantasize about my first home. I want my home to be my sanctuary, and this ain't it. Ironically, neither is the home I grew up in back in California, confirming that its time for me to settle down and take that march from dream to reality. Not in a relationship sense but its time for me to set down roots somewhere. That's rather difficult considering that I don't yet know where I'll be in 6 months, but some planning needs to be done, after all, I don't really like those kind of surprises. To date, I have moved every year since leaving California to attend school and its finally wearing on me. Even if I don't yet own my own place yet, I want to live somewhere I like enough not to move for a few years, even though I already know I won't be completely satisfied til I live someplace I own. Just like in my relationships its really hard to invest in something you know is only temporary, but in my house at least I plan to change that. While investing in the place in which I currently reside, I will simultaneously be investing in my future home. I had been doing it to some extent but something got lost in the sauce and I need to get back on track.

Being no stranger to sacrifice, I thought about picking up a full-time job again on top of my bartending so I could save super aggressively and purchase a home in a year and half or two, but I've come to enjoy having my days to myself for quiet time, sleep, exercise or whatever I may choose. I didn't exactly relish my previous schedule of work/nap/work/sleep, where I was lucky if I stole time for distraction (not without guilt of course). This is where the balance comes in. I've settled on adding a part-time gig, and it will most likely take me twice as long to purchase a home, but I will still have ample down-time to recharge, and enjoy living. My father made an excellent point when I consulted him about my options; I have the rest of my life to work like a hebrew slave. Why start now?

I know death comes in threes, but what about men?

Security means a lot of things to a lot of people, and different things at any given time. For example it can mean that I know I'll still have a job after the next wave of lay-offs, or that if someone breaks into my house, they'll think twice next time after having bullets flying in their direction. With Ole Faithful, it means knowing where I stand and what my options are at any given moment. O options, how many of us have them?

I've been vacillating for months about what to do with my sometimey distant lover, and its been the source of much frustration. I could violently kick him to the curb, or I could just keep on keepin on. I mean, how does one justify doing this shit for THREE years? But at the same time, how could I pretend that there's actually NOTHING real between us after three years? I mean, after you spend that kinda time with someone, relationship or no, there's got to be some kind of growth right? Otherwise that would make me a heartless bitch and who wants one of those?

Well I realized, sadly, that I'm. just. ambivalent. And personally, that's worse than anything else I could possibly feel. You never want it to get to the point where it doesn't matter if you're there or not. And I realized I reached this juncture when he stood me up and left me to have dinner on my birthday alone. and I wasn't upset. Because I already knew he wasn't coming. Because he is Ole Faithful. And he was not missed. Don't get me wrong, he is good company, whether we're doing the nekked lambada or not, but I've stopped caring. hell I don't really even care if he comes, pun intended. (not like that is ever a problem)

The funny thing though, is that I think he kinda likes it, though he has no clue that he is about to lose me and the puntang he loves so much, that this is step one towards the door. In a conversation we once had about relationships I told him that once I'm done I'm done. I don't revisit things I leave behind (that can get really embarrassing), which is why I'm not going to beat myself up about how long this process is taking me. I need to know without a doubt that for me, its over. Somehow I think he expects me to wait for him, even though there are no guarantees. As if I'm supposed be able to come to conclusion that he is a good catch based off the way he treats ME. not so much. Maybe if I took into account of how he treated others but what does that have to do with the price of pork in Mexico?

That said, I'm quietly looking for a replacement. I turned in my player card years ago when I discovered that men I could play like marionettes were just not attractive to me, and juggling is a waste of energy. It might have been fun in the short term but I was not bringing them home to the family.

That said, I've been single for 3 years. And I don't date very often, and most don't get a second date. For years there were none. Suddenly there are 3. When it rains it pours. I've already decided to cut bachelor #1 the barber. He's just not my cup of tea. Bachelor #2 the unexpected, is great company but only time will tell if my interest in him is romantic or just friends, since that's how I looked at him til he asked me to dinner. Bachelor #3 Capricorn twin, shares a name with Ole faithful, including age and sign. He looks nothing like him, but for other might have taken those similarities as a sign of some sort, good or bad. Not me! I'm feeling a little off about him though because I asked him for his info, which isn't something I usually do. Dah Well. I respect his hustle but he seems like a bit of a workaholic. Can he balance work and fun?

Bartender Vision pt 12 "Ode to a DJ" do not judge my poetic form

I know its been HELLA long since I've posted anything (not for a shortage of material though for sure!) but truth is, I'm applying to school right now and that requires my full attention. You know, business before pleasure, and sleep before blogging ;-)

Well anyway, as you may know, Wednesday nights are my all time favorite. Mainly because of the tomfoolery that is almost always sure to occur, but partially because I get to party the hardest, thanks to my favorite DJ.

But all that is about to change....probably forever.

And so I dedicate this entry to Hey Mr. DJ, and loyal reader. Beware of Sap "Yea-yay!"

You spread California Love, and R&B tunes to pass early wednesday nights and set up time.

Back that azz up, it's my birthday, everyday

Johnny Walker black, the trini way,

and corona ode to the Cali homies call your name.

You swing de pony tail, eye catches falling titties like the largest, strangest fruit you ever seen.

Red faced white man, and Dj instigator make up Le Crewe

we egg them on, but they hid too.

Boss man Kama sutra, freaky deaky, always ready to choke them bitches

except that one friday night when he almost did but ended up beating that skinny man big tippin ass instead

The nekked contortionist, The little mermaid

both comedy central but they only wine to your tunes

where will they go? will they buy drinks?

Needless to say, Wednesdays will never be the same, for either of us

I don't care who he know that newcomer will NEVER take your place

From where I sit, you have Wednesdays in the palm of your hand

Keep your head up all the way over there

No matter where you go

no matter what you play

you will always be my DJ

Yea-YAY!

I am a woman, quintessentially

Today I realized that I've never wanted a relationship before and that sad realization struck me when Ole Faithful asked me if that's what I wanted. I've had relationships before, but I was with them because they wanted to be with me. They were wonderful gentlemen, of course, I wouldn't have dated them if they weren't, but there wasn't that feeling that it was just something I HAD to have. Maybe that's a good thing.

What do I want? I wasn't entirely sure...outside of academic interests, and maybe what I was planning to eat, I can't really say that decisions I've made were in my own self interest. But after thinking about it some I realized that while my heart may be finally ready to try the whole relationship thing again, my current circumstances do not necessarily foster an ideal relationship starting environment.

I'd like to be able to enter into a relationship from a place of balance, stability, wholeness, and peace. I've witnessed too many people be in relationships looking for others to fill a void of some sort, and from the outside looking in, it doesn't look so appealing. Given that I'm trying to build my own personal stability so that I'd feel safer being more emotionally vulnerable with others, there are too many uncertainties to seriously consider adding the needs of another person into the mix. While I'm not opposed to long distance relationships, I don't even know where I'll be next year. Not like there's anyone to consider anyway, but making a choice for where to go for Grad school would be further compounded by trying to stay fairly close to a "boo".

I always go for what I want though..so if I won't let it go, that must mean I want something right? Maybe just a steady helping of pigs in a blanket, maybe something more, either way...I've been going without for quite some time. On some level I know I just want to be better, and I'm always looking for opportunities to improve and to practice not following my old, comfortable bad habits to demonstrate my growth as a woman, and since much of where I perceive I am lacking is in the relationship area, it could be beneficial to put some of those lessons in action.

I'm just feeling like now is not the right time. I believe that there is a time to be single and a time to be in a relationship, that if done right, there are valuable lessons to be learned, and that neither process should be rushed, no matter how cold it gets outside, or how annoying is the way he chews his food.

I'm still however, learning how to reconcile the realities of my upbringing with my present personal growth aspirations. I am after all, still a woman. I have difficulty expressing my feelings, or even acknowledging that they exist, but part of this journey is finding new ways to present the inner me to the world. I think people look at me, if they know my story, and even if they don't, and they see the quintessential "strong black young woman". Always hard-working, never accepting setbacks, unemotional and level-headed (unless you threatening the fam, lol), staring down adversity, overcoming obstacles yada yada yada. It's not that those assessments are untrue, its just that they are incomplete. I'm learning to acknowledge publicly and privately that sometimes my feelings get hurt, there are PLENTY things that I fear, that staring down adversity thing that I do is more like looking like a dear caught in headlights, and yes, as strong and self sufficient as I may be, I still need a little tenderness and more than AA batteries in my life.

Bartender Vision pt 11 "push em to the limit"

This Wednesday was fairly quiet...kind of a slow night.

A corona drinker comes in, doesn't order too much. After the second corona, I realize he is too drunk to keep drinking so even thought boss man Waffle may cuss me out for swiping cards below the $15 limit I cut him off and make him sign for $10. He stays in the club and doesn't really cause any trouble, until later in the night he tries to steal another man's Heineken (who also happened to be drunk), so the Heineken man gives him a push, and corona man slowly Timbers off his barstool to the floor. He doesn't get up so he is carrried out the bar. Somehow, I didn't realize he came in all the way drunk. No bueno.

A woman from Saturday is too drunk to leave her seat and walk out the bar after 3 goose and cranberries over several hours she is also carried out by her boo with the help of security.

Do these people have very low tolerances or am I THAT heavy handed?

The nekked contortionist is back finally, and walking a fine line so she dont get kicked out again...one day I will battle her. I think the boss men finally realized just how much money she spends on wednesdays and will probably refrain from banning her. But at least now she will usually leave before someone tells her to get off her head. Did I mention that she is no spring chicken? Imagine your pudgy 37 year old relative p-poppin on a headstand in the club. And there you have it.

Bartender Vision pt 10 "Into the woods"

This weekend was off the chain. For some reason, it appears that everyone who likes to give my twin a hard time was in the house this Friday. The sleuth came in..and he wasn't going to order alcohol; THAT we already knew....He only has eyes for my twin. And he stood there and waited...for 10 minutes easy while she "hid" on my side of the bar to avoid him. Once he wised up and realized she was purposely not using the register nearest him, he came to my side, but then she moved again. Finally, he left.

Later a gentleman sitting on my side was asking for long islands.. It's my first time seeing him so he doesn't get a name, but he requested that the next long island be "stronger". I agree, but look at him like he's crazy, because I tend to make long islands pretty strong, to my dismay because, well, they're nasty! But I digress...as usual. But I make the second with all liquor, and barely a splash of coke for color...apparently that is not "strong" enough for him either. I tell the twin he will come to get drinks from her next..I am right. I roll my eyes but that one less no tipping asshole I gotta deal with. Who knows, maybe he will tip her? Either way its good for me because we split tips.

To round out the top three, The Little Mermaid comes in and is in rare form. Apparently she is already drunk. As usual she has on a short number and heels, complete with a long hair appendage in the form of a ponytail tonight with her bendi and matching contacts. Tonight she is drinking Remy, She has decided that I will not be her bartender tonight, and goes to my twin for all her drinking needs even though I am closer...oh well, one less personality to deal with. Well she had on these black, slightly over the knee-high boots, where she has stored her money. To pay for her Remy, she lifts one foot to the bar, unzips the middle of the boot where she has several $20 bills stored away. It's already pretty unsanitary to put her feet on places where people's drinks are served, especially after they have traipsed over fecal matter and gawd knows what else, but I'm digressing, as usual, again. the main problem is that the Little Mermaid is not wearing any underwear and has therefore effectively served up an exposed bat cave to a captive audience...me. FML Well after my twin refused to give her a free shot of Remy to "replace" the one that had been "stolen", she came to me asking for two shot, one for her and a random woman she had rubbed her bare bottom on and then insisted on buying her a shot of Remy...the woman was drinking goose. Well after I gave her the two shot plus some water to chase it, she asked me how much she owed. I told her $24 she somehow expected for me to give her a shot of Remy for free, not happening. Then she tried to argue me down about it...since she is a regular I was trying to tell her to let Mr. Boss Man "the Waffle" know who was essentially standing right behind her, so that he could approve her getting a free shot. But she didn't wanna hear that and kept trying to argue me down, even tried to insist that she had given me a $50 bill to pay for her drinks, which she had not. She crossed the line when she gave me the drunk neck hug, on which I used my superior strength to promptly remove her arm from my neck. She paid, gave up, and of course didn't tip, and went back to dancing around, exposing 3/4 of her arse as she went....

Man what a night!